Monday, June 3, 2013

Having a baby - as easy as 1,2,3

Having a baby for some people is sometimes as simple as thinking 'I want a baby', and then before you know it, they are knocked up and ready to go. Their pregnancy is a breeze, their labor a piece of cake and the next thing you know, they are on their way to baby number 2, 3 or 9.

For others, like myself, it takes years. Years of planning, of multiple appointments with a variety of doctors, all trying to work out why you can't get pregnant (or just as bad, why you can't stay pregnant). And for those of us who have to rely on science to help Mother Nature along, it becomes an emotional roller coaster that at times, feels like it will never end. 

And for others, it never begins, because for whatever reason, being pregnant is just not in the cards for them.

I have never NOT talked about Little P being an IVF baby, but it's not something that I will just volunteer to talk about either. Even now, two plus years down the track, bringing it up in a conversation still chokes me up. But after recently talking with a friend of mine who is going through IVF, I decided it was finally time for me to get it out there. To let others know that yes, it sucks. It sucks big time, having to bring science into something that should really be a natural occurrence. And I could totally tell you what a wonderful experience it was, how it was all glitter and unicorns. But I'd be lying. Because it was hard, and it was long, and it was painful. 

newborn baby girl
Our little miracle - Little P

So here are the things I'm not going to tell you:

I won't tell you it was an easy decision, because it wasn't. Admitting that you, as a wife and as a woman, can not do that one thing that every woman should be able to do, is heart breaking and makes you feel like a failure. No matter what any one else tells you, you still feel like you let everyone down.

I won't tell you how incredibly hard, both physically and emotionally it is.

I won't tell you that every time you hear it didn't work your heart while break a little more, or that you feel like giving up, because to keep going hurts so much.

I won't tell you that when you hear that you are pregnant you will feel both elated and terrified at the same time.

I won't tell you how incredibly devastating it is to find out that you miscarried for whatever reason. Or how a little piece of you dies every time you hear those words 'I'm sorry, you lost the baby' (four times for us).

I won't tell you how going through the process leaves you bruised in places you didn't think you could get bruises. That the medication makes you feel ill, or that the fact that you have to inject yourself daily (sometimes multiple times) makes you feel more like a pincushion than a person. 

I won't tell you how bitter and angry you get at the universe, or how every time you see or hear someone else is pregnant that you think to yourself 'I hate that bitch', and immediately feel horrible for thinking that. 

I won't tell you how many times you will curl up in a public restroom and cry, because you just saw someone with a pregnant belly, or holding a new born, or you just happened to walk through the children's department in a store and you lost it.

I won't tell you that no matter how much someone loves you, you feel that the pain is yours alone to bear, even though you know it's not.

I won't tell you how you will hold your breath and your heart will skip a beat when you hear that heart beat for the first time. Or how hard you will cry when you see that first image on the screen of your little one (or ones).

pregnant belly
Does this shirt make me look fat?

I won't tell you that even though your morning sickness lasts three long months, you are just so thankful to be pregnant, that you don't complain about it.

I won't tell you that even though it's safe to tell people you are pregnant, you keep it to yourself just a little while longer, hoping that you start to show first.

I won't tell you how you will just stare at your belly, imagining the little person that's growing inside of you, and how you will be blown away by how much you can love someone that you haven't even met yet.

I won't tell you that for the last eight weeks you may need to be monitored almost daily, strapped to a heart rate monitor, just to make sure both you and the baby are doing okay.

But I will tell you that the moment they place that tiny person in your arms for the first time, that you will not only cry with joy and relief, but also with grief for the little ones who were called back to Heaven too soon.

And I will tell you, that after all you just went through, you won't think twice about doing it again.

Because in the end, it's so worth it.



  1. Thanks for sharing Kelly. A sad but beautiful post.

  2. You've expressed so well what many of us who have struggled or are still struggling are often feeling. It's hard and painful. I admit I have had some not so pleasant thoughts when I learn of someone else's exciting news. It's frustrating and depressing. But, life goes on. If it's meant to be, it'll happen eventually. Wasting time on negative thoughts (my own that is) doesn't help or solve anything.

    Thanks for sharing this wonderful post.

    1. Your welcome Kim, and thank you for reading. It can be really hard to not feel negative towards someone who could just get pregnant without having to try - I know we all have our trials and for some of us, having kids is our burden to bear.

  3. Oh Kelly, I understand where you are coming from. Not entirely, I never went through IVF, but I as well have fertility problems. And after my second was born and they told me that I could not have any more, a little part of me died. And that part continues to die every time I'm around babies. But yes, we hold our sweet miracles close to us and are so thankful that we were able to have them. Thanks for sharing.

    1. It's hard trying to explain to friends why you won't be at a baby shower... I've gotten to the point where I tell them the truth, that it's too painful emotionally for me to be around someone whose pregnant. I don't need to put myself in those positions.

  4. Sorry you had to struggle for your little miracle but they are worth everything us parents have to go thorough for them !

    1. Indeed. I would do it again in a heart beat if I could.

  5. Thank you for sharing. what doesn't knock you down will make you stronger!

    1. Pretty much I kept telling myself the whole time.

  6. Thanks for sharing. Made me tear up like a Hallmark Channel movie! ;(

    1. Aw, wasn't my intention Christie, but thank you for reading.

  7. I have 3 IVF babies. It was such a painful process but in the end it was all worth it. I wish more women would open up and talk about it. When we were going through our first cycle of IVF I felt so alone and angry at all the people around me telling me to just relax.
    Thanks for sharing!

    1. I think IVF is one of those processes where if you haven't gone through it, you don't know what to say, so people tend to either not say anything or they fill you with cliche's. I got to the point where I would tell people we are just going to buy a baby from - it was easier than the long story.