I need to catch my breath. Just to sit quiet and still. To be able to shut out all the noise and the distractions. To just, be.
There are days when I feel like a complete and utter failure. I know, hard to believe, what with me being totally awesome and everything, but it's true. I look at how organized and prepared I used to be, and compare that to how completely chaotic most of my days are and I think 'what happened?'.
And yes, I know the whole 'having a child changes everything' business, but still, why can't I work, be a Mom and keep up on all the things I used to? Is it that unrealistic of me to think that what I used to accomplish in the 24 hours of a day should still, in essence be achieveable? I see women do it all the time. Run a business, raise a family, keep a tidy house and still have time for friends. But for me, it's like something has to give. I can work and raise a family, but when it comes to spending time with friends and keeping a tidy house, it tends to be one or other.
I want to be present for my baby girl. Watch in amazement as she continues to learn and discover the world. But some days, I find myself willing her to go to sleep just so I can too. I have projects I want to work on, books to read, photo's to catalogue... yet all I yearn for is sleep.
And I feel horrible about it. Logically, yes, logically, I know it's just a phase. That after all the craziness of starting a new job and getting through the holidays, it's about setting a routine, of getting into the swing of things. But, I just can't seem to.
It's not that I don't want to. Heavens no. I long for structure, for a solid routine, for knowing what to expect (mostly) of the days to come. Sure, I love spontaneity, it spices things up, but not all the time.
Maybe it's just a matter of looking at things in a different way. Of seeing my days, not as chaotic, but as full. Of seeing the house not as untidy, but as a home that's lived in and well loved.
I don't know.
Maybe it's just a matter of acceptance.
Either way, I know it's going to be a process...hopefully one that works itself out soon.
Till next time....
K
Zen, just breathe
ReplyDeleteI'm trying
DeleteThanks for venting what I want to almost daily. Nice to know I'm not the only one. But I see your baby girl, and I can tell that you are a good mom and you are doing SOMETHING right. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Cat. It's funny how often we feel that we are the only one going through things, only to find out others feel the same way too.
DeleteA mom's job is not easy nowadays. And trying to find things to relax you can sometimes be a challenge. But I try to take it one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteThanks Barbara - one day at a time is what I try to do as well - I generally tend to fail at that as I'm usually thinking forward to the next week, but I do try.
DeleteI have had this conversation quite frequently with friends and through different groups I am a part of and the thing I have found is that we all feel like this more often than not and the people we think have it all together are in fact struggling just as much as we are. We tend to focus on what we are lacking and beat ourselves up when we fall short of our personal expectations but as we go through different seasons of life, our realities will be different. I always remind myself that too soon my kids will be grown and gone and I'll have all the time in the world to have a spotless house but for now I won't stress when it's a bit more messy than I would like.
ReplyDeleteThat's what I try to do - as long as I can see the floor, I'm usually pretty okay about it. It's a messy kitchen that gets me more days than not.
DeleteSometimes I feel like moms tend to feel this way, but feel like maybe we are being too dramatic...sometimes I turn to myself and wonder if I'm just feeling too pulled apart at the seams, when it's not that bad? OTHER moms seem to have it together, maybe I'm just a drama queen...but every mom should realize that it happens, it gets this way..and that's ok. I think you've got a great reminder here. :)
ReplyDelete