Monday, January 21, 2013
I need to catch my breath. Just to sit quiet and still. To be able to shut out all the noise and the distractions. To just, be.
There are days when I feel like a complete and utter failure. I know, hard to believe, what with me being totally awesome and everything, but it's true. I look at how organized and prepared I used to be, and compare that to how completely chaotic most of my days are and I think 'what happened?'.
And yes, I know the whole 'having a child changes everything' business, but still, why can't I work, be a Mom and keep up on all the things I used to? Is it that unrealistic of me to think that what I used to accomplish in the 24 hours of a day should still, in essence be achieveable? I see women do it all the time. Run a business, raise a family, keep a tidy house and still have time for friends. But for me, it's like something has to give. I can work and raise a family, but when it comes to spending time with friends and keeping a tidy house, it tends to be one or other.
I want to be present for my baby girl. Watch in amazement as she continues to learn and discover the world. But some days, I find myself willing her to go to sleep just so I can too. I have projects I want to work on, books to read, photo's to catalogue... yet all I yearn for is sleep.
And I feel horrible about it. Logically, yes, logically, I know it's just a phase. That after all the craziness of starting a new job and getting through the holidays, it's about setting a routine, of getting into the swing of things. But, I just can't seem to.
It's not that I don't want to. Heavens no. I long for structure, for a solid routine, for knowing what to expect (mostly) of the days to come. Sure, I love spontaneity, it spices things up, but not all the time.
Maybe it's just a matter of looking at things in a different way. Of seeing my days, not as chaotic, but as full. Of seeing the house not as untidy, but as a home that's lived in and well loved.
I don't know.
Maybe it's just a matter of acceptance.
Either way, I know it's going to be a process...hopefully one that works itself out soon.
Till next time....